written in 489 class yesterday (jan 30, 2003)

the butterfly

a thing that brings
ephemeral delight
but
quickly
dies
its pattern bright
forgotten-
lost, when
sunlight fades
and it falls to the earth
in the gathering
shade.
the butterfly is useless.
###

tonight as i was finally coming home after an excrutiatingly long night in the 373 lab, i felt a need to drive around a bit, which is what i typically do when something is bothering me or whatever. so i finally came to a field that seemed like a good place to stop and look at the stars. sometimes i have a sort of epiphany as i gaze up at the sparkling stars, spread like fine gauze on the inky blackness of the night sky. however, as i stood there gazing in wondering appreciation, only one realization came to me with undisguised, brazen clarity- it was freakin' cold.

and i realized, whatever will be will be, and all i can do is try to live my life the best way i know how. i think i shall have to continue this entry in my *real* journal.

ok, i just a brief thought to mention. whenever i log out of hotmail, it goes to msn.com. it so happens today that one of their articles is entitled "Time Management Quiz- Are you Wasting the Day?." I found this ironic, for reasons that likely appear obvious. I was tempted to take the quiz, but there really wouldn't be much point, would there? -since i already know that Yes, i AM wasting the day...

hmm... rather paradoxical, isn't it?

as i'm starting this post, it's my favorite time of day, 11:11. it happens to be PM in this case... oh wait... it's not 11:11 anymore. unfortunately.

well, so on to the point... i feel like sharing some of the music i've been listening to lately. in particular, i'd like to mention a few highlights from the album King by Belly. There is this one song, track 2, which is called "Seal My Fate" and it's an awesome song. pretty soon i expect i finally get around to figuring out how to play it. i'd like to do an acoustic cover of it. the song can also be found on Sweet Ride | The Best of Belly. it's kind of ironic they even have a best-of, since they only had 2 albums. The other song off the album King that i'm really into is track 6... i think it's called "The Bees." for whatever reason, it just seems to fit right now.

Not long ago I was constantly listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco. Some of my favorites off that one (although the whole album is pretty sweet) include track 9, "Pot Kettle Black," track 8, "I'm the Man Who Loves You" and 6, "Ashes of American Flags". seriously though i enjoy the whole thing. it's a quality album. i can't believe i was never into Wilco before. i'm definitely going to check out some of their earlier stuff. evidently, there;s a movie called "I am Trying to break your heart" (which is the title of the first track) that documents the group making the album and apparently running into all kinds of "Behind the Music"-esque personality conflicts and "artistic differences" and what-not. i think it's a movie you can only see in art theaters or something. i'd like to see it; maybe it will come out on dvd or something.

hmm... what else have i been listening to...? the song "Angels" by Tea Party off their latest (to my knowledge) Interzone Mantras. for a while i was listening to Jack Johnson a lot; that's a really good album, too. i was very pleasantly surprised w/ the quality of guitar work on that album.

of course, other cds that have recently made forays into my player include The Spin by 24 Gone, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by Flaming Lips (I saw them in concert and they were lackluster, unfortunately) (incidentally, i have this fully developed video concept for the song "Ego-tripping at the Gates of Hell" track 6... maybe i should try to sell it to the band... everytime i hear the song i see the entire picture in my head), Simple Things by Zero 7 (sweeeeeet album for relaxing, using as background music for a party, driving or just chilling out), the Let Me Teach You How to Rock by world-famous guitarist James Mickens (don't tell me you haven't heard of him), and more recently Is This It by the Strokes, which is actually not an overrated band. they really are pretty good. i have my doubts about their longevity, but taht's no reason not to enjoy it while it lasts. I also have been occasionally listening to Delerium's Semantic Spaces and i had a revelation- the singer who does the angelic female vocals for Delerium is Kristy Thirsk, the singer from the (sadly) now-defunct band Rose Chronicles. I thought that was kinda cool, and it also led me to the realization that Delerium is from Canada, a fact which heretofore had escaped my notice.

well, in case anyone is actually reading this and is sick to death of me blathering on about what music i'm listening to, i'll take a break. 'til next time.

this morning an unbelievable thing happened. the FedEx lady actually rang the bell!!! Now i know that to some people, this wouldn't seem like such a momentous occasion. However, considering my past history w/ FedEx people, i think this deserves to be memorialized in some outstanding way.

Typically, when the FedEx people come to my house, they are stealthy to the degree that it would be well-nigh impossible to detect one had been there without the tell-tale note left at the door, explaining (and you can imagine this being said with a chuckle) "Sorry we missed you" and a fictitious time stamp describing when they supposedly came. "Sorry they missed us?" i'm sorry we missed them! clearly, it's easy to miss someone who utilizes such advanced evasive techniques as the FedEx people have been known to undertake.

First off, the time named on the note is clearly feigned. i highly suspect the FedEx people actually are in the habit of coming in the middle of the night, when everyone's sleeping soundly and not likely to suddenly wake up wondering, "Could a FedEx person be at the door?" That brings me to my next point- the only way you would ever know the FedEx person was there would have to be from some psychic premonition, since they typically give no sign of their presence. I have formulated a design which I suspect closely resembles their modus operandi-

1.drive slowly past the house in a non-FedEx vehicle, looking for signs of life. if anyone appears to be home, come back later.

2.if the house appears unoccuppied, or the occupants are probably sleeping, then return in the FedEx truck, but park the truck several blocks away from the destination, so that it is unlikely to be seen or heard by any possible inhabitants.

3.while still in the truck, carefully fill out the "Sorry we missed you" form.

4.approach the house warily on foot, taking all possible measures to avoid being seen.

5.gingerly tiptoe onto the front porch and delicately affix the form to the door with tape. Furtively sneak off toward the truck.

6.upon reaching the truck, chortle gleefully at the thought of having successfully avoided delivery of YET ANOTHER package

Needless to say, when the FedEx woman actually drove the truck onto the driveway (I heard it) and RANG THE DOORBELL loud and clear, i almost didn't know how to react. i was virtually beside myself. i raced to the door (despite being clad only in pajamas) (yeah, i slept in this morning.. give me a break i was tired), fearful that by the time i got there, the FedEx truck would be pulling away from the drive, the sarcastically friendly "Sorry we missed you" note tacked to the door with eloquent nonchalance, and i would be left longing forlornly for a day when i wouldn't have to drive though blizzard conditions to the stinking FedEx depot in Saline to pick up the computer parts that i've been waiting at least a week for, only to find that the "Sorry we missed you" note had lied about FedEx's business hours, and actually the office had been closed for over an hour, yearning for the day when a FedEx person would bring the package right to my house....

Well, needless to say, i continue to use FedEx despite this dubious track record. i really hope they're turning over a new leaf. Especially since i'm still expecting a floppy drive to come in the next coupla days...

well i played at open mic night at pierpont commons last night. it was fun, although everybody else was so good it was a little bit intimidating. i wish i had a band. i don't like playing alone very much. on the bright side though, i actually played surprisingly well considering i hadn't picked up my guitar all day. my voice hung in there. the good thing about being a little bit nervous is that it improves my singing. it really does. my range increases (i can sing higher) and i get this vibrato thing going. i was unusually anxious because i had to wait so long to play. if i could have gone on a lot sooner, i would have been less nervous. *shrugs* well maybe not. i don't know. i'm not sure what the determining factor w/ my nerves is. sometimes i'm nervous, other times i'm not. i guess i'm probably much less nervous than a lot of people, prolly cause i'm not afraid of getting laughed at. i guess i figure if it takes getting laughed at to brighten someone's day, then hey i can live w/ that. after all, when you get up in front of a crowd you oughta be entertaining, right?

i was really tired like 2 mins ago but now i'm waking up a bit. enh... better study for tmw morning... ack.. morning.. meaning i'll have to get up.. why did i have to go and think about that? ack.. enh... blah... erg.

ok, i just have to share that i heard an ad on the radio just now for Avril Lavigne's tour, and it's called the "Try to Shut Me Up" tour. i found this humorous, since i'd really like to try to shut her up. that's all.

well, out of some odd desire to waste time, i just took at inkblot test at Emode.com. according to the test,
"Laura, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace". here's what else they said about me:

"You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. "

naturally, there's much more to my psyche, but to find all that out i would have to pay the paltry sum of $14.95. ah, ya gotta love pop psychology.

heh. i'm amused by the fact that some day, after i've moved out, someone will move into my house. and eventually this person will take a good look at the walls of the room that was once mine and discover, likely with a sense of amazement mingled with sheer horror, that every square inch of drywall in this entire room is covered with holes from nails and thumb tacks. heheheheheh

i have more stuff stuck to my walls than probably anybody else i know... to make matters worse, i routinely rearrange everything, which means that i have to move stuff, thereby creating (you guessed it) even MORE holes! on the bright side, sometimes when i move stuff i find an old hole or 2 that can be reused. but usually the new pictures don't line up right. even now, my walls are screwed up because my pictures are behind my new desk. i don't know if i'll move them or not; there really isn't any place left to move them. there isn't even much space left on the doors (and i have 4 of them).

i've been thinking about my walls lately, and the chaotic appearance of my room. i truly believe that some day, when i have my own place (who knows- it might not be that far into the future) it will be tastefully decorated. i can't honestly go so far as to say sparingly, but tastefully at least. i like simple, modern furnishings. it's just that i have to fit all this stuff into just one room. if i spread it out, even over just 2 rooms, it would look a lot less busy. well, ok, maybe like 3 or 4 rooms.

currently, my walls contain the following items: 2 MC Escher posters (another one is on my door), a poster of "The Accolade" by Edmund Blair Leighton (a pre-Rafaelite), "The Hallucinogenic Toreador" by Dali, a Star Wars poster (from my brother), a framed No Doubt poster autographed by Gwen (stolen from Pete), a small print of "The Lady of Shallott" by John William Waterhouse (another pre-Rafaelite), a small holographic card advertising a Pink Floyd tour, a small black and white painting of a woman's face (not too sure where that one came from), a blurry photo of 2 people and some trees (came from my Zero 7 album), 2 sets of photos (you know those things where they have the matting and you can put a bunch of pictures in), 2 matted Star Wars lithographs (one of them is numbered... they're supposed to be collectible or someting... i'm a dork... i have anohter but i just now took it down to make room), an "olde time" photo of my family (from AlaskaLand), a signed print of some dude that i think is supposed to be Zeus (i got it from some guy at a comic convention), a Rolling Stone cover picturing No Doubt, a dorky poster depicting the biosphere (i bought it from some fund raiser thing way back in high school to help save the rainforest or some jazz), a cardboard print of Dali's "Persistence of Memory", my Theocratic Ministry School schedule, an empty peg waiting for me to get a new calendar, the cover of a Yes boxed set (it's pretty nifty looking), and last but not least, hanging on a tack are several feet of film from a short i did last year. whew! and i didn't even get going on the stuff that's on my doors!

ok well enough. colette just got here so we're gonna go watch a Hitchcock or 2.

ok, well i've been having some problems w/ this blogger thing, but apparently it's working again. i'm kind of chilling out at the moment. i found out today that there is at least ONE person actually READING this blog. can you believe it?!? (i can't). well at least now i know who not to diss directly (j/k- you know who you are)

i've actually been in a really good mood lately and what not. i don't feel too much like addressing the issue i was venting about last time. i have kind of decided to just let it lie, at least for the time being. in the past, this technique has been very ineffective, so i continue to use it. ah well, i can't help it; i'm just a non-confrontational type of person i guess.

the shower for my friend Lis is this saturday (um.. tomorrow, i guess... it's FRIDAY already! woo-hoo!) and i am not extremely well-prepared, to be honest. i'm in charge of games, which is ridiculous, since i abhor all shower games ever invented. usually i was always the one rebellious little girl who went outside and got my nice outfit all messed up. i don't think my mom was too crazy about it. i suggested several fun and creative games, including Twister, charades, and that one game where everybody writes one line to a poem and you pass it around but you only get to see 1 or 2 lines of what is already written so then you get some weird results. none of the other bridesmaids were too keen on that. so we settled on the game where everybody gets into teams and then you have to decorate somebody w/ paper and duct tape and junk to make her look like a bride. we bridesmaids are going to decorate the actual bride. does'nt it sound deadly exciting?

dont get me wrong- i'm happy she asked me to be in the wedding; i feel honored and what-not. i'm certainly glad to be in the bridal party. but man, this whole shower thing is pretty seriously lame. guys have it lucky. they don't have to do anything, just throw a bachelor party. how hard could that be? round up some booze and hang out at somebody's house. i think the bachelorette party is going to be at my house. hmm...

ok, well if i had anything to say, i obviously am not getting anywhere close to saying it. oh yeah! i WAS going somewhere w/ this aside about the wedding, etc. heh heh. tonite Lis asked me what i'm going to do about my hair. HA! as if i was already thinking about my HAIR! the wedding is not for another 2 months. i just found it amusing. naturally, i told her i'm dying it green (to bring out my eyes) . oh my. i really am not moving toward anything vaguely resembling a point tonite. maybe i shoudl write again when i'm more awake. lata.

NOTE: the actual date of the following post is 1:44 am, Dec 31 2002. (blogger wasn't working that day)

***
heh. i've been swearing to myself under my breath for the last several minutes. i'm kind of ashamed, but at the last time it's rather entertaining. i was totally having issues last monday. then JP got mad at me 'cause i took off for a ride. when i'm upset, i go for a drive because it clears my head. it makes me feel better, i think, because when i'm behind the wheel i'm in control. also, i have to think about driving, which prevents me from thinking about what's bothering me. i dont' think it's ever failed to make me feel better, at least for a time. i'm really glad he let it go and didn't bring it up later. after all, i SAID i was giong for a drive it's not like i just vanished w/out saying anythying. also, i was only gone for half an hour.

heh so tonite i've been all ticked off. it's moderately entertaining. well, i was ticked off when i read this email, then i sort of forgot about it for a while, then when i thought about it again i got all aggravated. so i figured writign about it would help, and it does help. it's helping me to see the humor in the situation. sometimes that's surprisingly difficult to do. when you feel strongly about somebody, it's hard to take it when that person constantly does stuff to make you crazy. anyways, it's a mess, but i don't feel like dealing w/ it. really, to be honest i feel like my hands are tied. i have to be sincere. i've tried to get through, but he won't talk to me. as long as he refuses to confront me face to face, there's nohting i can do. i've made persistent overtures and been consistently blown off. well, you can only keep it up for so long and you have to start feel like it's a waste of time.

i kind of like typing in here better than writing in my diary because it doesn't make my hand cramp up. and i can type much faster than i can write. but the downside is i can't write the details because who knows, somebody might actually be reading this. i highly doubt it, though. i could probably write whatever i want in here i don't think anybody's reading this. HEY, you! if anybody is reading this, email me at my school address (lmcwil@umich.edu) to tell me. because i'd kind of like to know.

well i'm sure anybody who's very close to my circle(s) of friends probably knows what this is about anyways, despite my lack of details. *sigh* i do feel better now that i've vented a bit. well needless to say email is the bane of my existence in some ways. i gotta figure out how to use filters in pine.
***