A Dream

There's this friend that I'm estranged from. I feel weird saying that, because I'm not the type of person that is typically estranged from anyone. But, anyways, I am estranged from her. It wasn't my choice, it was hers. I tried unsuccessfully for a while to get her to talk to me again but then I figured maybe I was doing more harm than good, so I let her go, thinking eventually it would sort itself out. But it hasn't so far. The way she treated me really hurt for a long time, but it doesn't hurt anymore.

Anyways, so I hadn't really thought about her for awhile. I guess I thought I had more or less written her off. Last night I dreamed I saw her again, and she was bald. She had no eyebrows or lashes. She had gone through chemo. It turns out, she hadn't stopped talking to me because she hated me or anything, it was because she found out she had cancer and she just couldn't deal w/ me. I guess she thought I was too high-maintenance of a friend. Looking back, I think maybe I was. I didn't realize it at the time, but I was pretty depressed during the whole time we were friends. Partly it was due to physiological reasons, which are perfectly evident now, but which at the time, I was totally unaware of. For some reason it seems like we're never aware of these things at the time.

So in this dream, realizing what had happened, I felt pretty terrible. But not so much out of guilt, because I knew it was her choice to push me away, and she realized it, too. Mostly I just felt awful because of knowing that she had gone through so much suffering. And wishing I could have been there to help out in some way. Even if I was a "high-maintenance" friend, no matter how down you are, when somebody else needs help you get over your own issues to come through for them.

In the dream, my mom was with me. This girl asked "How do I look?" and I was about to say "awful" and my mom said "You look GREAT!" in this really sincere, enthusiastic tone, and I realized that she _did_ look great, in spite of it all. And I was like "wow, I'm so glad my mom said that." So I made a mental note when I woke up if anyone who's just been through chemo asks how do I look, I will tell them that they look great, no matter how awful they really look. Because being alive does look great, when you put things in perspective.

I also realized when I woke up how much I still care about this person. I am really worried about her and I hope she's ok. I know it's just a dream, but I can't help worrying somewhat. I'd much rather she stopped talking to me because she does hate me, and not because she has cancer. I want to call her but I don't know if I should. It would probably sound weird to call up and be like "are you ok?... I just wanted to make sure..." I don't know if I'll call her or not. I don't know if the phone number I have for her is even correct anymore. There's a lot of stuff I don't know.

I do know that dreams can have meaning. I don't think this one came out of nowhere.
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FOLLOWUP:
I did call her. It was a really difficult thing for me to do, I don't know why. But I did call her, and I'm glad I did. I keep thinking about a line from a Kingdom Melody that says something about when difficult problems arise, you often find, the answer lies, in simply being kind. You can't wait for other people to take the initiative. Kindness is proactive. I think this whole thing has been a lesson in humility for me.

Unusual occurrences

1. While walking at the greenbelt the other day with my friend Jonathan, we saw 4 snakes. One of them was a python (escaped pet?). Tonight I watched several episodes of Monty Python.

2. When I was at DTW on Sunday, at the Ghetto terminal (aka the Smith terminal), I saw my friend James. WHAT ARE THE ODDS?!

3. There was this guy we saw at Potrero last November when we were climbing- a Mexican dude that had these CrAzY zebra-print action pants (capri-length, mind you) and cRaZy hair (almost a pompadour- only it was kind of all-over big, rather than just on top alone). WELL TODAY I SAW HIM AGAIN!!!! in a climbing gym in North Carolina!!! It was HIM, i tell you! I heard his accent and everything- definitely a Mexican. Come on what are the odds there are TWO Mexican dudes w/ the same hair and the same action pants who are both climbers? It's statistically highly unprobable, if not impossible.

What does it all mean?

My guess would be: absolutely nothing.