written in 489 class yesterday (jan 30, 2003)

the butterfly

a thing that brings
ephemeral delight
but
quickly
dies
its pattern bright
forgotten-
lost, when
sunlight fades
and it falls to the earth
in the gathering
shade.
the butterfly is useless.
###

tonight as i was finally coming home after an excrutiatingly long night in the 373 lab, i felt a need to drive around a bit, which is what i typically do when something is bothering me or whatever. so i finally came to a field that seemed like a good place to stop and look at the stars. sometimes i have a sort of epiphany as i gaze up at the sparkling stars, spread like fine gauze on the inky blackness of the night sky. however, as i stood there gazing in wondering appreciation, only one realization came to me with undisguised, brazen clarity- it was freakin' cold.

and i realized, whatever will be will be, and all i can do is try to live my life the best way i know how. i think i shall have to continue this entry in my *real* journal.

ok, i just a brief thought to mention. whenever i log out of hotmail, it goes to msn.com. it so happens today that one of their articles is entitled "Time Management Quiz- Are you Wasting the Day?." I found this ironic, for reasons that likely appear obvious. I was tempted to take the quiz, but there really wouldn't be much point, would there? -since i already know that Yes, i AM wasting the day...

hmm... rather paradoxical, isn't it?

as i'm starting this post, it's my favorite time of day, 11:11. it happens to be PM in this case... oh wait... it's not 11:11 anymore. unfortunately.

well, so on to the point... i feel like sharing some of the music i've been listening to lately. in particular, i'd like to mention a few highlights from the album King by Belly. There is this one song, track 2, which is called "Seal My Fate" and it's an awesome song. pretty soon i expect i finally get around to figuring out how to play it. i'd like to do an acoustic cover of it. the song can also be found on Sweet Ride | The Best of Belly. it's kind of ironic they even have a best-of, since they only had 2 albums. The other song off the album King that i'm really into is track 6... i think it's called "The Bees." for whatever reason, it just seems to fit right now.

Not long ago I was constantly listening to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot by Wilco. Some of my favorites off that one (although the whole album is pretty sweet) include track 9, "Pot Kettle Black," track 8, "I'm the Man Who Loves You" and 6, "Ashes of American Flags". seriously though i enjoy the whole thing. it's a quality album. i can't believe i was never into Wilco before. i'm definitely going to check out some of their earlier stuff. evidently, there;s a movie called "I am Trying to break your heart" (which is the title of the first track) that documents the group making the album and apparently running into all kinds of "Behind the Music"-esque personality conflicts and "artistic differences" and what-not. i think it's a movie you can only see in art theaters or something. i'd like to see it; maybe it will come out on dvd or something.

hmm... what else have i been listening to...? the song "Angels" by Tea Party off their latest (to my knowledge) Interzone Mantras. for a while i was listening to Jack Johnson a lot; that's a really good album, too. i was very pleasantly surprised w/ the quality of guitar work on that album.

of course, other cds that have recently made forays into my player include The Spin by 24 Gone, Yoshimi Battles the Pink Robots by Flaming Lips (I saw them in concert and they were lackluster, unfortunately) (incidentally, i have this fully developed video concept for the song "Ego-tripping at the Gates of Hell" track 6... maybe i should try to sell it to the band... everytime i hear the song i see the entire picture in my head), Simple Things by Zero 7 (sweeeeeet album for relaxing, using as background music for a party, driving or just chilling out), the Let Me Teach You How to Rock by world-famous guitarist James Mickens (don't tell me you haven't heard of him), and more recently Is This It by the Strokes, which is actually not an overrated band. they really are pretty good. i have my doubts about their longevity, but taht's no reason not to enjoy it while it lasts. I also have been occasionally listening to Delerium's Semantic Spaces and i had a revelation- the singer who does the angelic female vocals for Delerium is Kristy Thirsk, the singer from the (sadly) now-defunct band Rose Chronicles. I thought that was kinda cool, and it also led me to the realization that Delerium is from Canada, a fact which heretofore had escaped my notice.

well, in case anyone is actually reading this and is sick to death of me blathering on about what music i'm listening to, i'll take a break. 'til next time.

this morning an unbelievable thing happened. the FedEx lady actually rang the bell!!! Now i know that to some people, this wouldn't seem like such a momentous occasion. However, considering my past history w/ FedEx people, i think this deserves to be memorialized in some outstanding way.

Typically, when the FedEx people come to my house, they are stealthy to the degree that it would be well-nigh impossible to detect one had been there without the tell-tale note left at the door, explaining (and you can imagine this being said with a chuckle) "Sorry we missed you" and a fictitious time stamp describing when they supposedly came. "Sorry they missed us?" i'm sorry we missed them! clearly, it's easy to miss someone who utilizes such advanced evasive techniques as the FedEx people have been known to undertake.

First off, the time named on the note is clearly feigned. i highly suspect the FedEx people actually are in the habit of coming in the middle of the night, when everyone's sleeping soundly and not likely to suddenly wake up wondering, "Could a FedEx person be at the door?" That brings me to my next point- the only way you would ever know the FedEx person was there would have to be from some psychic premonition, since they typically give no sign of their presence. I have formulated a design which I suspect closely resembles their modus operandi-

1.drive slowly past the house in a non-FedEx vehicle, looking for signs of life. if anyone appears to be home, come back later.

2.if the house appears unoccuppied, or the occupants are probably sleeping, then return in the FedEx truck, but park the truck several blocks away from the destination, so that it is unlikely to be seen or heard by any possible inhabitants.

3.while still in the truck, carefully fill out the "Sorry we missed you" form.

4.approach the house warily on foot, taking all possible measures to avoid being seen.

5.gingerly tiptoe onto the front porch and delicately affix the form to the door with tape. Furtively sneak off toward the truck.

6.upon reaching the truck, chortle gleefully at the thought of having successfully avoided delivery of YET ANOTHER package

Needless to say, when the FedEx woman actually drove the truck onto the driveway (I heard it) and RANG THE DOORBELL loud and clear, i almost didn't know how to react. i was virtually beside myself. i raced to the door (despite being clad only in pajamas) (yeah, i slept in this morning.. give me a break i was tired), fearful that by the time i got there, the FedEx truck would be pulling away from the drive, the sarcastically friendly "Sorry we missed you" note tacked to the door with eloquent nonchalance, and i would be left longing forlornly for a day when i wouldn't have to drive though blizzard conditions to the stinking FedEx depot in Saline to pick up the computer parts that i've been waiting at least a week for, only to find that the "Sorry we missed you" note had lied about FedEx's business hours, and actually the office had been closed for over an hour, yearning for the day when a FedEx person would bring the package right to my house....

Well, needless to say, i continue to use FedEx despite this dubious track record. i really hope they're turning over a new leaf. Especially since i'm still expecting a floppy drive to come in the next coupla days...

well i played at open mic night at pierpont commons last night. it was fun, although everybody else was so good it was a little bit intimidating. i wish i had a band. i don't like playing alone very much. on the bright side though, i actually played surprisingly well considering i hadn't picked up my guitar all day. my voice hung in there. the good thing about being a little bit nervous is that it improves my singing. it really does. my range increases (i can sing higher) and i get this vibrato thing going. i was unusually anxious because i had to wait so long to play. if i could have gone on a lot sooner, i would have been less nervous. *shrugs* well maybe not. i don't know. i'm not sure what the determining factor w/ my nerves is. sometimes i'm nervous, other times i'm not. i guess i'm probably much less nervous than a lot of people, prolly cause i'm not afraid of getting laughed at. i guess i figure if it takes getting laughed at to brighten someone's day, then hey i can live w/ that. after all, when you get up in front of a crowd you oughta be entertaining, right?

i was really tired like 2 mins ago but now i'm waking up a bit. enh... better study for tmw morning... ack.. morning.. meaning i'll have to get up.. why did i have to go and think about that? ack.. enh... blah... erg.

ok, i just have to share that i heard an ad on the radio just now for Avril Lavigne's tour, and it's called the "Try to Shut Me Up" tour. i found this humorous, since i'd really like to try to shut her up. that's all.

well, out of some odd desire to waste time, i just took at inkblot test at Emode.com. according to the test,
"Laura, your unconscious mind is driven most by Peace". here's what else they said about me:

"You are driven by a higher purpose than most people. You have a deeply-rooted desire to facilitate peacefulness in the world. Whether through subtle interactions with love ones, or through getting involved in social causes, it is important to you to influence the world.

You are driven by a desire to encourage others to think about the positive side of things instead of focusing on the negative. The reason your unconscious is consumed by this might stem from an innate fear of war and turmoil. Thus, to avoid that uncomfortable place for you, your unconscious seeks out the peace in your environment.

Usually, the thing that underlies this unconscious drive is a deep respect for humankind. You care about the future of the world, even beyond your own involvement in it. As a result, your personal integrity acts as a surrogate for your deeper drive toward peace and guides you in daily life towards decisions that are respectful toward yourself and others. "

naturally, there's much more to my psyche, but to find all that out i would have to pay the paltry sum of $14.95. ah, ya gotta love pop psychology.

heh. i'm amused by the fact that some day, after i've moved out, someone will move into my house. and eventually this person will take a good look at the walls of the room that was once mine and discover, likely with a sense of amazement mingled with sheer horror, that every square inch of drywall in this entire room is covered with holes from nails and thumb tacks. heheheheheh

i have more stuff stuck to my walls than probably anybody else i know... to make matters worse, i routinely rearrange everything, which means that i have to move stuff, thereby creating (you guessed it) even MORE holes! on the bright side, sometimes when i move stuff i find an old hole or 2 that can be reused. but usually the new pictures don't line up right. even now, my walls are screwed up because my pictures are behind my new desk. i don't know if i'll move them or not; there really isn't any place left to move them. there isn't even much space left on the doors (and i have 4 of them).

i've been thinking about my walls lately, and the chaotic appearance of my room. i truly believe that some day, when i have my own place (who knows- it might not be that far into the future) it will be tastefully decorated. i can't honestly go so far as to say sparingly, but tastefully at least. i like simple, modern furnishings. it's just that i have to fit all this stuff into just one room. if i spread it out, even over just 2 rooms, it would look a lot less busy. well, ok, maybe like 3 or 4 rooms.

currently, my walls contain the following items: 2 MC Escher posters (another one is on my door), a poster of "The Accolade" by Edmund Blair Leighton (a pre-Rafaelite), "The Hallucinogenic Toreador" by Dali, a Star Wars poster (from my brother), a framed No Doubt poster autographed by Gwen (stolen from Pete), a small print of "The Lady of Shallott" by John William Waterhouse (another pre-Rafaelite), a small holographic card advertising a Pink Floyd tour, a small black and white painting of a woman's face (not too sure where that one came from), a blurry photo of 2 people and some trees (came from my Zero 7 album), 2 sets of photos (you know those things where they have the matting and you can put a bunch of pictures in), 2 matted Star Wars lithographs (one of them is numbered... they're supposed to be collectible or someting... i'm a dork... i have anohter but i just now took it down to make room), an "olde time" photo of my family (from AlaskaLand), a signed print of some dude that i think is supposed to be Zeus (i got it from some guy at a comic convention), a Rolling Stone cover picturing No Doubt, a dorky poster depicting the biosphere (i bought it from some fund raiser thing way back in high school to help save the rainforest or some jazz), a cardboard print of Dali's "Persistence of Memory", my Theocratic Ministry School schedule, an empty peg waiting for me to get a new calendar, the cover of a Yes boxed set (it's pretty nifty looking), and last but not least, hanging on a tack are several feet of film from a short i did last year. whew! and i didn't even get going on the stuff that's on my doors!

ok well enough. colette just got here so we're gonna go watch a Hitchcock or 2.

ok, well i've been having some problems w/ this blogger thing, but apparently it's working again. i'm kind of chilling out at the moment. i found out today that there is at least ONE person actually READING this blog. can you believe it?!? (i can't). well at least now i know who not to diss directly (j/k- you know who you are)

i've actually been in a really good mood lately and what not. i don't feel too much like addressing the issue i was venting about last time. i have kind of decided to just let it lie, at least for the time being. in the past, this technique has been very ineffective, so i continue to use it. ah well, i can't help it; i'm just a non-confrontational type of person i guess.

the shower for my friend Lis is this saturday (um.. tomorrow, i guess... it's FRIDAY already! woo-hoo!) and i am not extremely well-prepared, to be honest. i'm in charge of games, which is ridiculous, since i abhor all shower games ever invented. usually i was always the one rebellious little girl who went outside and got my nice outfit all messed up. i don't think my mom was too crazy about it. i suggested several fun and creative games, including Twister, charades, and that one game where everybody writes one line to a poem and you pass it around but you only get to see 1 or 2 lines of what is already written so then you get some weird results. none of the other bridesmaids were too keen on that. so we settled on the game where everybody gets into teams and then you have to decorate somebody w/ paper and duct tape and junk to make her look like a bride. we bridesmaids are going to decorate the actual bride. does'nt it sound deadly exciting?

dont get me wrong- i'm happy she asked me to be in the wedding; i feel honored and what-not. i'm certainly glad to be in the bridal party. but man, this whole shower thing is pretty seriously lame. guys have it lucky. they don't have to do anything, just throw a bachelor party. how hard could that be? round up some booze and hang out at somebody's house. i think the bachelorette party is going to be at my house. hmm...

ok, well if i had anything to say, i obviously am not getting anywhere close to saying it. oh yeah! i WAS going somewhere w/ this aside about the wedding, etc. heh heh. tonite Lis asked me what i'm going to do about my hair. HA! as if i was already thinking about my HAIR! the wedding is not for another 2 months. i just found it amusing. naturally, i told her i'm dying it green (to bring out my eyes) . oh my. i really am not moving toward anything vaguely resembling a point tonite. maybe i shoudl write again when i'm more awake. lata.

NOTE: the actual date of the following post is 1:44 am, Dec 31 2002. (blogger wasn't working that day)

***
heh. i've been swearing to myself under my breath for the last several minutes. i'm kind of ashamed, but at the last time it's rather entertaining. i was totally having issues last monday. then JP got mad at me 'cause i took off for a ride. when i'm upset, i go for a drive because it clears my head. it makes me feel better, i think, because when i'm behind the wheel i'm in control. also, i have to think about driving, which prevents me from thinking about what's bothering me. i dont' think it's ever failed to make me feel better, at least for a time. i'm really glad he let it go and didn't bring it up later. after all, i SAID i was giong for a drive it's not like i just vanished w/out saying anythying. also, i was only gone for half an hour.

heh so tonite i've been all ticked off. it's moderately entertaining. well, i was ticked off when i read this email, then i sort of forgot about it for a while, then when i thought about it again i got all aggravated. so i figured writign about it would help, and it does help. it's helping me to see the humor in the situation. sometimes that's surprisingly difficult to do. when you feel strongly about somebody, it's hard to take it when that person constantly does stuff to make you crazy. anyways, it's a mess, but i don't feel like dealing w/ it. really, to be honest i feel like my hands are tied. i have to be sincere. i've tried to get through, but he won't talk to me. as long as he refuses to confront me face to face, there's nohting i can do. i've made persistent overtures and been consistently blown off. well, you can only keep it up for so long and you have to start feel like it's a waste of time.

i kind of like typing in here better than writing in my diary because it doesn't make my hand cramp up. and i can type much faster than i can write. but the downside is i can't write the details because who knows, somebody might actually be reading this. i highly doubt it, though. i could probably write whatever i want in here i don't think anybody's reading this. HEY, you! if anybody is reading this, email me at my school address (lmcwil@umich.edu) to tell me. because i'd kind of like to know.

well i'm sure anybody who's very close to my circle(s) of friends probably knows what this is about anyways, despite my lack of details. *sigh* i do feel better now that i've vented a bit. well needless to say email is the bane of my existence in some ways. i gotta figure out how to use filters in pine.
***

hello. well i was in a rather bad mood earlier, but i worked on a new song and it kind of made me feel better. i already had the chords for hte most part, but tonite i wrote some words to go w/ it. i am hoping my throat will clear up enough that i'll be able to record some demos of my songs.

anywyas, i guess i'll just mention the theme of the new song. basically, i've been thinking lately about stuff, and i have decided that if i really care about somebody, then there can't be any in-between. what i mean is, either you're my friend or my enemy. i'm sick to death of people who think they can pretend to be someone's friend but not actually BE a friend. tha'ts total bull. i do'nt buy into that program. i'd rather have an enemy than a friend who i can't count on. i can't pretend. it has to be all or nothing.

ok, i don't know if this entry will make sense to most people who read it. but, if anyone does read it, i am sure there's somebody out there who knows exactly what i'm talking about.

ok, so i feel like i'm finally rising to the surface after having been underwater for the past month or so. Hm... it so happens it's been exactly one month since my last blogger entry... interesting. Unfortunately, i'm sick. It's because of EECS 470. I feel like i should go to the Fox 2 Problem Solvers and get them to do an expose on this class. I was SO healthy until i took this class. Now i'm probably going to end up w/ pneumonia or something. i suspect it all stems from being too busy working on 470 to do things i used to think were important, you know, like eating and sleeping. my mind is forever scarred from staring at waveforms. i'm not even sure i can UNDERSTAND anything like a trend or idea without being able to see it expressed as a waveform.

i'd like to do an anthropological study on the students of EECS 470 from this past term. we've practically developed a whole new lingo. during the last few weeks, the difference between a "fix" and a "hack" has become firmly crystallized in our minds. we've learned that before you can "fix" something, you first have to "unbreak" it. we've learned that "verilog" is synonymous with "voodoo." we're no longer fully a part of the society in which we used to live, but we've actually created an entire new subculture. think about the things that make up a society or culture. you've got (1) language- we've covered that- it's a subset of English and jibberish including phrases and expressions specialized for talking about the hell that is verilog programming. i cna't even legitimately call it programming. it really is more like voodoo. particularly whne you use these mysterious objects known as a "#1", or more popularly as a "tick SD" or " 'SD ". If you take them all out, oftentimes your code will start working, as if by magic. Then later when it breaks again, putting them back in will magically cause it to work, yet AGAIN. but i digress.... i was talking about the culture of 470.

so, what else do you have? (2) food- well, that one's easy- you've got your vending machine fair, bagels and sandwiches from the cafes, and the occasional TV dinner brought from home. clearly not the type of food eaten by members of american mainstream culture. i think one of my group members subsisted on McD's french fries for the entire term. Peanut M&M's are one of our staples, as well as any beverage containing caffiene. No, actually, i think caffiene itself is probably a staple.

Let's see... how about (3) products & objects created by the society. Well, we don't produce much other than mostly non-functioning Verilog code, and I have to admit that's kind of ethereal. But we do have art- bizarre doodles of ourselves wearing sunglasses, drawings of numerous boxes with lines connecting different symbolic elements... usually these latter images are eventually destroyed or covered in additional lines that cross out everything that was on the drawing. I'm sure some artifacts have survived and are available for study. Also printouts of Alpha-assembly programs with numbers written next to each line. that reminds me, we also have (4) mathematics. the students of 470 have developed our own number system, in which we only count by 4s in Hex. it's actually really easy, just 0, 4, 8, c, 20, 24, 28, 2c... you get the idea. I was confused when i saw on teh calendar that the date today is Dec 12, and not Dec 0xC. what's going on here?

We also have (5) styles of dress and fashion. mainly consisting of Yesterday's Clothes, by which i mean not clothing from "yesteryear," in the sense of being out of style. i mean "the clothes you wore yesterday" because you've been at the Media Union all night and haven't had time to go home and do anything like sleep, shower and put on new clothes. We also have our own (6) customs and norms. Like being polite by offering to get something for others when you make the trek downstairs to Pierpont or to the vending machines. Or the practice of locking a Sun machine about 15 minutes in advance of when you expect one of your group members to arrive at the crowded lab. There is also a strong taboo against making changes to a stable version of the a project without first saving off a backup-copy of the unmodified version. These are just a few examples of our many customs and standards for acceptable behavior. Some things that are not considered acceptable or "normal" behavior in mainstream society are actually considered quite normal among 470 students- things like muttering profanities at the verilog compiler, raising your arms toward the ceiling and yelling "aaaaaagggghhhhhhh" while shaking said arms, getting up to go the bathroom every 20 minutes because you've been sucking down one bottle of Mountain Dew after another for the last 12 hours.

While I'm sure i could go on and on, I think i've presented enough evidence here to merit some type of anthropoligical study. If i were smart enough at this point to change my major to something EASY like Sociology, Psychology or Cultural Anthropology (incidentally, i make no apologies for calling these majors "easy") i woudl seriously consider doing research on this topic and publishing a paper about it. I'd do it anyways, but the more i think about it, returning to such sites as mu3ne or 2nd-floor eecs before the memory of 470 has faded a little more would probably scar me permanently, so i think i'll just let it lie.

hi there.

i just wanted to mention the fact that i cut my hair last night. i do that from time to time. i don't have somebody ELSE cut it; i cut it MYSELF. now, certain people have (or, more specifically, a certain person has) asserted that i am a "girly-girl".

i ask you- would a girly-girl cut her own hair? i think NOT.

ok, that's really all i have to say at the moment. i'm in the process of totally revamping my web site. i'm kind of excited about it. at the moment, the new version of hte side resides at http://www-personal.engin.umich.edu/~lmcwil/tmp/.

well, my last entry didn't work at all. they really should improve the netscape support on this site. sometimes it works, sometimes it doens't. right now i'm at home and i'm only writing in here while i wait for my phone interview w/ Siebel Systems. it's really not supposed to be until another 15 minutes or so. i'm not sure waht to expect. but hopefully they won't ask me all kind of crazy technical questions.

so anyways, there was a point to all this. today when i got home, i noticed a little tiny sign on our front yard. i was thinking "what's the deal?" so before i went up to the house, i went over to take a look. i figure "if somebody's sticking random signs on our lawn, well i oughta do something about it". the sign was so small, in order to read it, i had to walk onto the lawn. it said,

*dramatic pause*

"WARNING: pesticide applied- keep off grass"
or someting to that effect. needless to say, i found it rather ironic, since there was no way for me to READ of this warning w/out walking onto the grass. ok, so that was my little story of the day.

i guess there has been some stuff on my mind but there's no way i'm going to write about it here. i got an email that kind of surprised me today. i wasn't too sure how to react to it. suffice it to say, it kind of bugs me when people say one thing in email but act totally different in real life. i dont' buy into that program. if somebody is sincere, they;d better show it IRL, whatever they say in email. ok, so i'll come down off my soap box now.

in case someone is actually reading this and slowly dying of boredom, i'll stop now.

i don't know if this will work. right now the web form is displaying all screwy. i dunno why- i've used blogger b4 on a Sun using Netscape 4 or whatever.

anyways, i just needed a little breath of air. i'm working on my 470 homework and to be quite honest, i doint really expect to go home tonite. i think this may call for an all-nighter. i don't know what i'll do if the time comes and i am too tired to drive home but i'm too tired to get anything done also.

well i'm trying to DESTRESS so why am i talking about that? enh. there's nothing i can talk about that would make me feel better. well, nothing that i would want anyone to see.

i'm listening to Dido in an attempt to relax. on the bright side, i think the forwarding works for at least some instructions. well, i know it does. it's just that for some reason now my loads and/or stores are screwed up. the code i added shouldn't have screwed that up.

i feel kind of sick to my stomach and i haven't really eaten a lot these past few days. there has been only one bright spot in my last 3 days and that's what i'm NOT going to talk about.

heh heh but i am smiling now so i guess this little exercise has done me SOME good, right? i feel bad because colette is coming to the study tonite but i won't be there. i miss her so much. i guess i probably saw her like a few weeks ago or something, but it feels like 4ever. actually, come to tghink of it it feels like forever since i started doing this homework problem. i think i'm a different person than i was when i started.

writing always seems to help me feel better. i just hope this stupid weblog actually WORKS. but even if it doesn't, i still think writing in here has helped me to feel a little better.
til next time.

ok, so i'm sitting at the MU right now thinking I should be working on 470. but it's hard to get started, because they gave us all these scripts and crap but when i tried to run them before, nothing happened. i did what the one guy said on the newsgruop but it didn't do what it was supposed to.

i just had a conversation w/ somebody that i was pretty good friends w/ last year. but now i realize that we never really had a friendship at all. it was all just an illusion. so i basically have a bitter taste in my mouth and i just feel icky. really, i don't know why i let things get to me so much. i have noticed for a long time that i have really high expectations, especially when it comes to people. i keep telling myself i should lower my expectations, but i never do. he said i need to be more patient. well, maybe it's true to some extent. but it doesn't change the fact that i'm bitterly disappointed.

i know later it will fade and not be such a big deal. but the fact is i really care about this person and it's hard for me to believe that i was so wrong about everything. i am just a stupid girl.

i'll get over it. i guess. i'll probaly make the same mistake later.

well, it's like 11 or something, and i'm sitting in my room Thursday night listening to Dashboard Confessional burning like 5 candles or something. Man, I wish Beck was here. she would appreciate this. i really miss her. it seems like i haven't talked to her in ages. i've tried to call her a coupla times but haven't been able to get ahold of her. but that's no excuse.

there is a reason why i'm being pathetic right now, but i don't feel like going into it. i don't know if i'll ever feel like going into it. well, if anyone was out there reading this, i'm sure somebody would probably pick up on the reason. it's not particularly hard to guess. enh.. ack bllghgh. this weekend is gonnna suck.

NO. i'm deciding, here and now, that this weekend is NOT going to suck. it will do nohting of the sort. so what if certain people... are going to be far away. no, i'm stopping now. i know this entry is getting all incoherent but i really don't care. but one thing i can say, this weekend is NOT going to suck. i'm going to have fun. and i'm going to finally get some of my crazy 470 homework done. i talked to mike chu today (who was my GSI for 370) and he said this homework we are getting now is the hardest one. which is a relief, because i looked at it all, and i didn't really know what most of the questions were talking about. which is kind of a bad sign. i've been drinking pop in that class to stay awake. there is no way for me to stay awake in that class without caffiene. and it's not even boring, or anytyihg.

ok, i'm done. if i keep things up i'll tell EVERYTHIKNG.

ok, so i basically have no real reason to write in this thing. it's just my writing compulsion, acting up again. there was something i wanted to say earlier, but now i forgot. one of these days i'm going to put a link to this blog on my web page. oh yeah, that reminds me, i have a domain name now. it's http:\\la-dee-dah.com. all the ones i really wanted were already taken. I am thinking of registering LauraMcWilliams.com, too, before some name-stealer snatches it up. it might be nice to have a professional sounding web address when i graduate.

i'm hoping that this web design class will motivate me and give me the knowledge needed to completely revamp my web page. because it's seriously pretty lame. ah well, all in due time. so far, this semester is going pretty well. i like having only 12 credits. I am supposed to start working for this one professor, but his colleague still hasn't emailed me to tell me when we can meet up and they can get me started and what-not. so i'm kind of enh about that.

ok, well i guess that's enough rambling for now. 'til next time.

well, hunh. i have no particular reason for wanting to write in this thing today, but i just felt like it. i would like to share the fact that Lucida Console is my favorite font. Hopefully that's the font that is showing up right now. There is another cool font called Interdimensional but i don't think it's installed on most people's machines, unfortunately.


I really should redo my web page. I can't work on 470 homework right now, because i do'nt have my book w/ me. there is a reason, but i don't feel like explaining. there is a reason for almost everything, but i seldom feel like explaining it.


Truth be told, for some time i've had this odd premonition that i woudln't live past 21. But, here i am, and i'm already half-way thru the ripe old age of 21 years. So, i guess i can look at it 2 ways- either i'm almost home-free or i haven't got much time left. haha this is probably not the type of thing most people would consider funny. but it amuses me, nonetheless. no, seriously i haven't had that feeling in a long time. really. i plan on living for quite some time longer. actually, i don't plan on ever dying.


I'm really not a morbid person. i don't know what made me bring it up. it's just something that occurred to me this morning. because i hadn't thought of the odd premonition i used to have for a long time. in fact, when i turned 21, the thought didn't even cross my mind. i had completely forgotten about it.


I think i'm going to put some poems up here. actually, i wrote a poem in spanish the other day that i think i'll post. (haha nobody reading this is gonna know spanish, so i guess i'm safe, eh?) here goes nothing:

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Poema de Amor

(written in EECS 470 Notebook, Sept 11, 2002)



el amor de mi vida no sabe que yo existo
el amor de mi vida es mas lejos que la luna
sin embargo, su cuerpo es tan cerca, como la esperanza dentro de mi corazon
el amor de mi vida, su alma vive en el rio
-el rio que fluga por la plena de mi cuerpo
sus ojos son claros con la luz de la vida
cuanda se veo, mi cabeza nada en el ocio de su voz
el amor de mi vida, estoy mirando a el siempre
pero todos los dias es como si no viva aqui
nunca me ha veido, nunca me ha querido
cado dia, cada noche me muro un poco mas


el amor de mi vida, no sabe que yo existo

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don't even BOTHER trying to figure it out. and DON"T ASK.